Be Still


This week was a very difficult week for me.  The main reason it was so bad was the fact that my children were away from me for about 4 days……and not only were they away from me but they were with their dad out in god’s country for a week doing who knows what. 

When he first told me he was taking the kids to the lake and was renting a boat I was like OMG no way! There is no way a person that doesn’t normally see his kids can handle two count them TWO children with autism out on a lake, but there’s nothing I can do.  We have no child support order and no custody order, so yes we actually have to communicate regularly and (hold your breath on this one) but compromise.  Imagine having to compromise and not having a court order to fall back onto…it’s tough..it’s really really tough, but it also gives both of us more leeway.  

I knew inside that he wasn’t going alone…I KNEW that he was taking a woman that he had been talking to for a few months…..who my kids have never met.  Now, there are many reasons why I did not want her going.  The main reason is that my children do not get to spend quality time with their dad, he is always taking them to his mom’s.  Which is ok because that means there are more people to look out for them, but it also means no true alone time.  I had hoped that he would have done that this week, but i should have known better.  I also didn’t like the fact that her and her girls stayed in the same room as my kids and their dad.  I find that HIGHLY inappropriate.  As a woman I feel we need to have standards and respect for ourselves and our children.  When my boyfriend and I went to California we paid the extra money for a condo.  The children had their own bed in their own room and we had ours.  Why? because it is necessary to have decorum in the presence of impressionable children.  My boyfriend has no children so it is a bit easier for us when we go places; however, there is no excuse my ex and his girlfriend have plenty of money to pay for 2 rooms.  

Boundaries should ALWAYS be in place for both parties.  I do not let my children call my boyfriend “dad” nor do I allow him to discipline them.  They have a daddy who disciplines them.  I have let them view him as a mentor, and I expect my ex to do the same thing.  This woman should not discipline my children nor have any motherly part into their lives.  In my opinion.  Now with that said, I expect my children to give her and my boyfriend respect at all times, because they are an adult.  

The hardest part is relinquishing some of the control, so sometimes I wonder if we custodial parent have more of a problem with letting the other parent have some control because they can’t “do it like we can”.  While that may be true, it is important to understand that they have their own way of doing everything and of course it is different from yours. Therefore, with this said I have to respect the choices my ex made this last week and although there is NO way I would have made those very choices he did.  Also, the kids had a BLAST and were just fine.  He gave them all of their medicine appropriate and they didn’t come back sunburned.  

There also should be some understanding from the custodial parent that the non-custodial parent has no control, so that is why they use little ways to exert control. It’s easier to just let them have these little instances because in the long run does it really matter.  

It takes alot to get to this point.  You have to take a step back and look at it logically which is really hard to do when you heart is involved.  This isn’t going to work for everyone due to differing circumstances.  Wouldn’t it be great if everyone could though? Now don’t get me wrong I still enjoy griping about the differences and talking about it with my girlfriends, but I don’t with my ex.  I actually don’t say anything at all…there is no reason too…it wouldn’t change anything.

You might be asking yourself how we came into this conversation? I have no clue I’m like one of those crazy pastures that randomly have stuff pop into his head and then he preaches on it! 😉

Naw that’s not it..the truth is soooo many custodial parents have been posting on their wall about how they miss their kiddos because they are gone to their non-custodial parents house for the summer.  It is so hard to let them go and there is more than one reason involved as to why.  We as the custodial guardian always know EVERYTHING that happens with our children, so when for a week or so we don’t have any of that control it gets hard.  We need to know they are ok at all times yet typically there is a loss of communication when the children leave.  You can try to schedule a skype meeting to help, text via the children’s phone, have scheduled conversations, but you also have to remember that it is the other parents time with them…..and sometimes no news is good news.  If anything happened to the children I’m pretty certain the ex would make you aware.  

You have to have your own life as a woman.  You have to have a purpose other than your children, even if they are special needs.  Eventually the children will leave the nest then what happens? I continuously cultivate my own interests just like i cultivate the children’s…it’s hard to do, but well worth it.

Anyhow as we round up summer remember to let loose of the reigns a little bit and when your children are gone, don’t torture yourself with thinking horrible thoughts go out and have that margarita you’ve been daydreaming of!

~lenajeanne

Great Links

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorced-children/200905/joint-physical-custody

http://life.familyeducation.com/anxiety/parenting/36354.html

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