Justice you say? Is best served cold you say?

So, as of Friday Justice came to my house.  I know imagine that, just walking up to my door, ringing my bell, and announcing herself! It was pretty awesome in fact.  Pretty incredible.  I have to say I never thought this would happen.  I also never understood what it meant when people would quote “Justice is best served cold” until this year.

My son entered into 2nd grade August 2011.  I met his teacher and was not thrilled, of course I’m assuming he was not thrilled with me either.  People NEVER like me.  Ever.  Seriously, I’m one of those people that you really hate or you really love.  There is never an in between.  Why? I think this has to do with my Asperger’s.  When you give me a chance and get beyond my social issues you can see who I truly am, which I hope is a caring person.  But anyhow, this story is not about me.  So, Dorian started 2nd grade with high hopes.  His goal was to be able to read a chapter book.  You see Dorian has autism.  Dorian also didn’t say his first words until almost 5 years old.  Dorian didn’t read his first words until he was 8, so he was super thrilled to start 2nd grade.  He was also starting a new school.  The year before we had moved to Lexington, KY from Little Rock, AR, but we had no place to call home.  We were nomads really, and it was the kindness of friends that allowed us to live in their residence that got us through.  Yes, there was more than one friend that we stayed with.  This was the hardest thing I ever had to do, which was not have a solid home for my children with autism.  We got through the year and finally found a quiet little home for us to stay, and YES I’ve signed a multiple year lease to make sure that I don’t have to uproot my children again until after my PhD! lol  However, we didn’t know where we were going to be going to school at.  We had registered at a few different schools because my friends moved so I had to find somewhere to go.  It’s not easy finding a place that will rent to you when you have such limited income.  However, I made it a bit easier on myself by using the rent free year to pay off my car and many of my bills.  So, you can see how excited my children were to finally have a home and a solid place to go to school.

Dorian walked in and sat down and immediately started getting into trouble.  Literally, from day one he was sent home with reports and was continuously taken off of green.  (Green is the color card when you haven’t done anything wrong) I knew within a few weeks that my son was being targeted by his teacher.  I called the autism facilitator at the school and discussed the issues with her.  Saying, that I understood my son has sensory issues, but these are things that he cannot get into trouble for otherwise it will only get worse because his anxiety will sky rocket.  Well it wasn’t even 2 months into the school year when it got bad, VERY BAD.

My son asked to use the bathroom and he was denied the right to go to the bathroom. He raised his hand appropriately, but the teacher said no.  Why did he say no? Because he could and because he was targeting my child and had been for weeks.  My son having autism didn’t ask again; therefore, he defecated on himself and had to sit with feces for over 4 hours before I could get him completely cleaned.

We got lucky.  I had an appointment for both of my children at their doctor at 2 for their checkups.  I picked them up a little before 1:30.  My son walked by the office and didn’t come in.  The secretary noticed the odd behavior and asked if he was ok.  I said, I don’t know he hasn’t been sick.  As soon as we all three walk out I notice a horrible odor.  I asked if they had stepped on dog poop.  They both replied no.  In the car the smell was so bad I had to leave the windows down.  We get to the doctor’s office and that’s where I notice Dorian had used the restroom on himself.  He was caked in feces from his penis to the back of his bottom.

He was mortified and so upset.  I cannot explain to you the horror of his expression.  The doctor saw him and wrote me a letter to give to the school.  I was livid.  Dorian told me what had happened and I immediately contacted the school.  I called the principal and told her that I needed an explanation and I wanted Dorian moved immediately out of that classroom.  She later told me that she had told the teacher to call me, but guess what he didn’t.  You know why? Because he knew he was guilty.

Anyhow, a little while later Dorian ends up with a life-threatening pseudomonas kidney infection.  He also had balanitis.  He was prescribed Bactrim, until the results of his urinalysis growth culture could come back.  We were sent home.  The very next day Dorian was hospitalized.  It was serious.  Let me explain to you who gets pseudomonas infections.  HIV patients that’s who.  So, how did my son become infected with that? His feces (which is where pseudomonas can live) was squished inside his penis under his foreskin, my son is not circumcised.

It took weeks and weeks to get everything ironed out with him.  He had yeast infection after yeast infection.

Anyhow, eventually he got better and we did such a bang up job he didn’t need a circumcision.

At the hospital the social worker called DHS or child protective services against the teacher.  They started a case in October of 2004.  As of last Friday, he was found guilty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I kept my mouth shut.  I am still not saying the teacher’s name in public, although he does not deserve my kindness.  He was found guilty of child abuse!  We won.  Or did we?

What happens now?  What happens almost a year after this incident? Does Dorian become a target at his school? I sure hope not.  I hope that others know what happened and can see that it was the fault of the teacher and not my child’s, because you can guarantee that THIS year I’m all up in their business.

What happened to Dorian at school after that incident?  He switched classrooms and had no contact with the teacher.  He learned to read ON LEVEL.  Not bad for a child who couldn’t read two words.  He also developed math skills ABOVE grade level!  He became the class tutor for math.  He became a role model and he never got off green again with Mrs. Farmer.  Some say she was old and crotchety, but I say she loved my son JUST RIGHT!.  She knew he needed strong guidance and lots of patience and she gave him that.  Did we get lucky? Yeah perhaps we did.  Many don’t liker her cantankerous personality, but it fits for autistics like me and my children.

So, as we start the new year let this be a lesson to all even to myself.  Our choices have consequences and we may not know where our choices will lead us, but sometimes they come back to haunt us.

I just wanted an apology.  Dorian deserved an apology.  He still deserves a true one, but we will never get that.  I can’t say that for a time I didn’t want this teacher to suffer, because I did, but now I just want him to learn this lesson.  Our children are different.  Our children with autism are concrete and when you say something to them it is as if it’s written in stone.  Dorian was told he couldn’t go to the bathroom, so end of story he didn’t.  Believe me, this is also a lesson that I have to remember everyday.  I attend a parenting class every week so I can be a better parent.

My children deserve the perfect parent and I can’t provide that.  I am not perfect, but I want to try.  I want to give them all and I do.  These last 2 years we have sacrificed alot for my PhD.  We didn’t have a home for a year.  We didn’t have solid foundation or a stable place to sleep and I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for that.  I hope that this PhD is worth it, it better be!  I also hope that the control that the teacher wanted to exert on his students was worth all of this, but I bet it’s not.

We all make choices that have consequences.  We all regret many of our choices.  Hindsight IS 20/20, but I hope I have the power to learn from mine and other’s bad choices.

I hope me and my family can continue to live without reservations!

~LenaJeanne

PS.  Thank you for following our family’s story, it may not be an important story, but it’s still ours!

Great Expectations

Have you ever really thought about what is expected out of us as humans? I mean REALLY given it some thought.  There are expectations placed upon us before we are even born.  Hell, perhaps even before conception for some.  We begin with theories of what our children will be like when we ourselves are children.  We say things like “I will never do this to MY kids” or “When i have a little girl/boy I will do this.”  It is simply insane to believe that expectations are not placed upon us before even our basic abilities are even seen.  We are expected to crawl, talk, walk, and read at a certain age.  We are expected to kiss, hug, and love a certain way.  Expectations change per sex, per country, per part of the state even.  It can be a weight that we carry around with us when our parents expectations are heaped upon us over the years.  Don’t worry I’m guilty of this too.  For example, I say innocent enough statements like “I expect you to clean your room today.”  However, did I clean my room?    We give our children a list of things to accomplish in a day and yet they do not complete that list, but did we complete our lists?  Children with disabilities require much more time, redirection, and attention than typical children.  It gets tiring.  Sometimes we forget that our expectations of our children exceed their capabilities.  Again, it is something that even I am guilty of.

Especially with my daughter.  My daughter may have high functioning autism and a normal IQ, but she still has autism.  I expect her to act like a 10 almost 11  year old, but she’s not.  There are pieces of her that are way beyond her years, you could call her an old soul.  However, there are parts of her that are way below her years as well.  It must be horrible to be so confused by the expectations that are given to you..forced upon you even.  She does the best that she can.  It is heartbreaking to see the internal struggle; therefore, I do many many activities to try to help from social skills classes with psychologists (that are not cheap) to robotics camp, swimming lessons, and so on.  It is physically, mentally, and monetarily draining just to try to socialize my child.

I question this all the time.  My daughter would be just as happy sitting at home, playing with legos getting ready for her robotics team.  Sometimes I know that some of our struggles is just my issues.  This is what taking my children to social skills class and attending the mandatory parenting class has taught me.

I paid good money to learn that WE place the MOST expectations and the greatest unachievable expectations upon OURSELVES.  As parents sometimes what we are most upset about is not our children’s failure, but our failure.  I have started to come to believe a few years ago that children do not fail.  It is an interesting concept, because that can translate to that as an adult we have not failed.  Perhaps as parents we do not give our children the tools they need to succeed, because we ourselves were not given the proper tools as children to become appropriate adults. It is humbling to know that I (we) do not hold all of the answers.  I have found recently that forgiving myself of my short comings I am becoming a better mother.  A more aware mom.  A mom the knows that she does not know it all.  It is ok to admit that we as parents have weaknesses, and that we are not without faults.

One thing I have found in all my years of therapy with my children is that consistency is the key for a loving relationship with your children.  I have expanded on that thought: Being Consistent in your love.  Giving your children your love at all times does not mean giving them attention at all times or catering to them.  It means by setting boundaries and providing clear direction with plausible consequences our children learn to respect us, themselves, and others.  We show our children how to behave.  Give them a parent to respect.  If you yourself do not act respectful to others how do you expect your children too?

Be the beauty you see in your little ones!

And

Love with Consistency!

~LenaJeanne

LivingWithoutReservations

Me and the D-man being silly willies!

Patience & Protection

There are many unanswered questions that I ask all of the time.  These range from philosophical questions to science questions.  However, one question that deeply upsets me and that I constantly think about is about how women treat each other. 

Why do women feel the need to constantly barrage each other with hate? 

I see this everyday, have definitely participated in it, and have been the brunt of it. Sane, wonderful women fall into this type of behavior.  Perhaps it is genetically engineered within us to resent other women; however, I would hope through our evolution as a society and as a female race that this is something that we would leave behind.  

One of my little goals that I have this year is to make sure that I do not attack another woman in any way, even if it is just an offhand comment.  Words have a way of cutting to the quick.  It is through witnessing our own weaknesses and the mirrored weaknesses in others that I believe we can begin to grow as individuals.  I sincerely do want to help start a change in women, not a feminist movement, but a more feminine movement.  

I was not made to be the sweet charming grandmother type, and perhaps I haven’t even realized my calling in life.  Yes, call me Christian/religious/sentimental or whatever, but I believe we ALL have a calling in life…one that we rarely answer. I want to answer that calling and live up to what I was made to do.  

These last couple of days have taught me a few lessons I need to take to heart.  The most important lesson that I need to learn is that when you are a part of a social media portal you open yourself up to others that want to hurt you or just want to start something.  I then need to realize that in order to taper that down I have to taper down my own usage, because I do not have the ability to stay unoffended.  As I grow older I have also developed more of a capability of getting hurt…..and I think it is because I watch my children with autism struggle with the exact same issues.

Having Asperger’s makes me more prone to repeating myself…my children do the same thing.  People either assume we are unintelligent or we are “high and mighty” I cannot tell you how many times this happens to me.  In fact it happened to me today.  I was literally told by a random person that does not know me “some people are educated beyond their intelligence”.  I have never understood why it is ok for anyone who is typical to give those statements, but autistics cannot.  We are classified as rude, but because the typicals observe social protocol they are just telling the truth.  It is a heinous act using words to hurt someone just so the other person can let loose.  I do not condone these acts and try to my very best to not succumb.  I’m not saying I have never acted in such a manner, but I strive to not!

Women are continuously hateful to each other by commenting on their appearance.  I have a picture of myself in a bikini on my profile pic.  Why? Because when I’m down I like to remember that time.  It was 2 years ago and me and my bestie spent 15 days in the dominican republic.  I am holding a bottle of almonds for lucy’s sake.  However, many women have felt the need to call me horrible horrible names.  I have not received any of this treatment from men, because in all honesty, men do not take time out of their lives to play these games.  (The average man anyhow).  

It is important we teach our daughter’s to feel comfortable in their own skin.  It is important that we teach our daughter’s to not attack another female, but instead lift her spirits up with praise.  It is important for us to look past another person’s clothes, looks, and even personality so we may establish meaningful and long lasting friendships.

The ONE thing I hope to teach my daughter is that supporting other women does not make you weak and them better, but it makes you valuable!

~LenaJeanne

Teaching Tolerance To the Next Generation

PLEASE HELP ME NOW!

I have found some disturbing evidence of bullies in this world.  Please rally behind me and these beautiful little girl’s parent…..These two girls are the center of internet bullying as we speak.  They have autism and they just wish to be left alone.  PLEASE HELP ME GET THIS TAKEN DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Write the owner of the website…write the newspapers…talk to your state governor whatever you have to do……do something great today…SAVE THESE LITTLE GIRLS LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is no back story to this post.  Basically this picture was stolen from whoever took it.  Then it was posted on this site for pure spite and meanness.  These two sweet girls actually have their own facebook site against cyber bullying.  All we need is for this to be taken down before the girls see it and their hearts broken even more!……

http://parenting.failblog.org/2012/07/13/crazy-parenting-fails-spoiled-little-brats/comment-page-1/#comment-58789

THESE GIRLS ARE BEING BULLIED

All Alone

It is at times like these that we feel all alone.  Times of loss, times of sadness, times that our loved ones are away from us, times of lack of money, just hard times in general.  Yes, even people with autism feel alone, and actually I have come to believe that people with autism feel more alone than neurotypicals when we are young.

It was not hard to know early on that I was so completely different, not hard at all when you are being told that by everyone.  Not only that but at some point you realize that NOBODY has the same interest that you have.  It is extremely difficult to socialize when the only thing you feel comfortable talking about is your own interest.  No one can understand how difficult that is unless you have experienced this yourself.  Now I’m not so naive or narcissistic to believe that the general population hasn’t ever experienced the feeling of being all alone.  I know this to be true….and ANYONE can be bullied at any moment.  It doesn’t take a diagnosis to be the target of hatred.  

Children retreat into themselves for a many of reasons and there are some that believe that some children diagnosed with autism are actually not autistic but having symptoms due to lack of social nurturing.  There is evidence that supports this theory and in fact was the first theory that surfaced, blaming the mothers for lack of emotional guidance.  

However, at this time we know this is not true for every child and in the majority of cases not at all.  Am I for sure that there are not some cases that are due to lack of  affection? No, I’m not saying that at all, but autism IS a neurological disorder.  It is a different way to process the information that you receive through the internal and external environment.  Though I wholeheartedly believe that genetics plays the major role in forming autism I also agree that environment is a small factor as well.  

That aside the difference between autistics and NT (Neurotypicals) is that people/children with autism do not feel anxiety about being alone, it is like we are in our natural environment.  However, the majority of NTs do not have this capacity.  The thought of being alone drives them into a commitment or relationships that they should not be involved in and have no deep rooted interest in.  I am perfectly fine being alone as are both of my children.  It never dawns on them that they should be or that there is something wrong with being alone, but the true question remains…..IS there anything wrong with being alone?  

I don’t believe there is.  Why is it so bad that I enjoy taking myself to the movies?  I am perfectly fine with just being me….and maybe that’s the problem maybe NTs have a problem with themselves.  I find that people with autism tend to accept who they are much more fiercely than NTs.  I find that autistics tend to look at who they are logically……such as: I know I’m not attractive…it’s ok…I don’t have low self esteem..I just look at it logically..I’m a 5ft piece of chub!  My hair has never been smooth and silky…..I’ve never been tall and svelte……I’ve never had great skin…I’ve never had a sweet and alluring voice.  All of these things I’m ok with…….I’m ok…with being me and being all alone with me!

~LenaJeanne

I have no problem showing how much I need to be alone!

Missing my babies while they are at their daddy’s house!

Be Still

This week was a very difficult week for me.  The main reason it was so bad was the fact that my children were away from me for about 4 days……and not only were they away from me but they were with their dad out in god’s country for a week doing who knows what. 

When he first told me he was taking the kids to the lake and was renting a boat I was like OMG no way! There is no way a person that doesn’t normally see his kids can handle two count them TWO children with autism out on a lake, but there’s nothing I can do.  We have no child support order and no custody order, so yes we actually have to communicate regularly and (hold your breath on this one) but compromise.  Imagine having to compromise and not having a court order to fall back onto…it’s tough..it’s really really tough, but it also gives both of us more leeway.  

I knew inside that he wasn’t going alone…I KNEW that he was taking a woman that he had been talking to for a few months…..who my kids have never met.  Now, there are many reasons why I did not want her going.  The main reason is that my children do not get to spend quality time with their dad, he is always taking them to his mom’s.  Which is ok because that means there are more people to look out for them, but it also means no true alone time.  I had hoped that he would have done that this week, but i should have known better.  I also didn’t like the fact that her and her girls stayed in the same room as my kids and their dad.  I find that HIGHLY inappropriate.  As a woman I feel we need to have standards and respect for ourselves and our children.  When my boyfriend and I went to California we paid the extra money for a condo.  The children had their own bed in their own room and we had ours.  Why? because it is necessary to have decorum in the presence of impressionable children.  My boyfriend has no children so it is a bit easier for us when we go places; however, there is no excuse my ex and his girlfriend have plenty of money to pay for 2 rooms.  

Boundaries should ALWAYS be in place for both parties.  I do not let my children call my boyfriend “dad” nor do I allow him to discipline them.  They have a daddy who disciplines them.  I have let them view him as a mentor, and I expect my ex to do the same thing.  This woman should not discipline my children nor have any motherly part into their lives.  In my opinion.  Now with that said, I expect my children to give her and my boyfriend respect at all times, because they are an adult.  

The hardest part is relinquishing some of the control, so sometimes I wonder if we custodial parent have more of a problem with letting the other parent have some control because they can’t “do it like we can”.  While that may be true, it is important to understand that they have their own way of doing everything and of course it is different from yours. Therefore, with this said I have to respect the choices my ex made this last week and although there is NO way I would have made those very choices he did.  Also, the kids had a BLAST and were just fine.  He gave them all of their medicine appropriate and they didn’t come back sunburned.  

There also should be some understanding from the custodial parent that the non-custodial parent has no control, so that is why they use little ways to exert control. It’s easier to just let them have these little instances because in the long run does it really matter.  

It takes alot to get to this point.  You have to take a step back and look at it logically which is really hard to do when you heart is involved.  This isn’t going to work for everyone due to differing circumstances.  Wouldn’t it be great if everyone could though? Now don’t get me wrong I still enjoy griping about the differences and talking about it with my girlfriends, but I don’t with my ex.  I actually don’t say anything at all…there is no reason too…it wouldn’t change anything.

You might be asking yourself how we came into this conversation? I have no clue I’m like one of those crazy pastures that randomly have stuff pop into his head and then he preaches on it! 😉

Naw that’s not it..the truth is soooo many custodial parents have been posting on their wall about how they miss their kiddos because they are gone to their non-custodial parents house for the summer.  It is so hard to let them go and there is more than one reason involved as to why.  We as the custodial guardian always know EVERYTHING that happens with our children, so when for a week or so we don’t have any of that control it gets hard.  We need to know they are ok at all times yet typically there is a loss of communication when the children leave.  You can try to schedule a skype meeting to help, text via the children’s phone, have scheduled conversations, but you also have to remember that it is the other parents time with them…..and sometimes no news is good news.  If anything happened to the children I’m pretty certain the ex would make you aware.  

You have to have your own life as a woman.  You have to have a purpose other than your children, even if they are special needs.  Eventually the children will leave the nest then what happens? I continuously cultivate my own interests just like i cultivate the children’s…it’s hard to do, but well worth it.

Anyhow as we round up summer remember to let loose of the reigns a little bit and when your children are gone, don’t torture yourself with thinking horrible thoughts go out and have that margarita you’ve been daydreaming of!

~lenajeanne

Great Links

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorced-children/200905/joint-physical-custody

http://life.familyeducation.com/anxiety/parenting/36354.html

But He’s So Normal

Disclaimer:  Nothing written in the following passage is about any one person in particular.  This happens to be a subject that my friends and I talk freely about and these words have been mentioned to me in the last 2 weeks repeatedly to the point of frustration.  

I have discussed this issue before of people telling me that my children “look” so normal.  It is something that I try to revisit with the general public, because well it’s just plain rude.  When a person states that to a mother it feels as if we must defend our children, but there should be no need for a defense.  Why do you not believe my word? Is it because my child is not purple? If he was purple would that help you to understand that he’s a child with special needs?  If he was in a wheelchair would that make it easier for your neurotypical brain to grasp?  It is a travesty that so many humans have to see to believe.  Why would I lie about my child having a diagnosis? Yet, this is how I feel whenever anyone says those dreaded hurtful words.  I feel as if you are telling me that I am lying about my son and daughter.  

What if you said to me, “my daughter got straight A’s this year.”  And I replied, “really? because she doesn’t look very smart.”  Could you imagine your outrage? You would then point out how inappropriate that was for me to say, yet you as a public as a person can tell me that my child does not have autism because they LOOK normal.  

We as parents of children with autism are the MOST harshly judged of all parents.  Why? Well, for many reasons.  Mainly because it is a silent disorder.  You cannot see it unless you are a parent or are trained too.  You cannot smell it, touch it, feel it, or hear it.  It is silent, as silent as the children themselves.  This causes confusion with the public.  Obviously my child must be fine because he is not in a wheelchair wearing 3 inch thick glasses with a disfigured face.  How sad is that that the society has adopted such a harsh view?  Do you know what the flip side of this coin means? The flip side is that when you see someone who is in a wheelchair, who does have a disfigured anatomy, and who does drool all you see is their  disability and not them.  While you belittle my child’s diagnosis you belittle the person who does LOOK like they have a disability.  You can’t see them for the people for the HUMANS that they are.  Perhaps that is even more sad then what you say to me and countless others.  Perhaps that is what makes you typical…..so very typical.  

It saddens me every time a child is diagnosed, not because of the autism, but because of the isolation that the family is about to endure.  The isolation is much more severe than any other syndrome.  You may not understand why, but it has to do with the fact that the average person rejects what they cannot understand, so our children and our families are rejected.  Rejected for being themselves.  Never fear neurotypicals do this to down syndrome and other disabilities as well; however, instead of rejecting them for what they cannot understand they reject them for what they cannot see.  They cannot see the beautiful whole person inside of them.  I don’t know which one I would rather be a part of, because at least my child is not judged because of facial features or having to use a specialized chair.  

One of the most interesting conversations to watch is for me and my children to visit a new physician.  This always starts with me telling the frontdesk that I would like to direct exactly what will happen to my child so there is no meltdown.  The ladies always look at me oddly but relays the message to the nurse.  However, as soon as I have gotten the kids weighed and their temperature taken it NEVER FREAKING FAILS the nurse turns to me and says “but they look so normal!” 

I seriously NEVER want to hear that come out of a professional persons mouth.  It is like starting WWIII with me.  Just the other day I reminded said nurse how unprofessional that was, and that although I am very open about my children’s autism other parents aren’t.  I then reminded said neurotypical that she has the ability to affect a child’s life and if she repeated that to parents then it is possible that the parents could stop seeking therapy for their children.  It seems extreme right? WRONG…not in the autism world.  So many parents are seeking acceptance and some really do not want to accept that their child has a disability.  

Another issue that comes right along with telling me that my child is normal is when someone has known someone else with autism. Now THAT is annoying.  They OBVIOUSLY know more than you do because they spent “QUALITY” time with said autistic.  Sigh……I have to explain to them.  No, you do not understand autism you got a glimpse into our world, you were exposed for a brief moment, but come on down to autismland where there’s few food items, NO touching, and LOTS left unspoken.  I know that they truly do want to help and they have a great and wonderful heart…blah blah blah, but we hear it over and over and over and over and over.  We hear about how so and so’s girlfriend had a child with autism and they did this or so and so’s boyfriend had a child with autism and they never did this.  It is downright rude.  Would you do that to a parent of a child with cerebral palsy? Would you do that to a parent of a child with schizophrenia? Would you do that to a parent of a child with down syndrome? THEN WHY DO IT TO A PARENT WITH A CHILD WITH AUTISM? Why are we so damn special?  Why do we get to hear all of this from ALL ends?  

It never stops for us just like any other parent of a child with a special need.  It never stops.  One thing I can say is that it’s a spectrum.  If you don’t know the meaning of the word spectrum there’s this website made by Webster…check it out!

~LenaJeanne

PS: If you MUST say something to a parent of a child with autism, compliment them on being so calm.  Compliment the parent’s hardwork.  Tell he/she that she is doing well and that you admire what he/she does.  I understand that telling the parent that their child looks normal is sort of a way for you to give a compliment, but it comes off so rude. If all else fails remember the ONE rule: Think before you speak.  Think about how it affects others, and how you would want to be treated!

Autism: The Silent Disorder

~LenaJeanne

Personal Note

My children are going away with their father for about a half of a week, from Thursday until Sunday.  I have a goal of what to finish for my qualifying exam.  If I can get all of that written plus all of my lab work done and ready so none of my pancreatic cancer cells will die then from friday till sunday I will be in Memphis! Woohoo….seeing my manfred!  I dunno if he’s excited…..but I am….I have to have something take my mind off of my babies being gone.  It worries the hell out of me them being with the absent parent….he loves them, but he doesn’t do what I do..nobody can do what I do with my kids.  I’m so damn nervous……….

Oh well, then my next goal is if when I get back I can finish the qualifying exam in 3 days I will take the kids on a trip to Cincy.  We will visit the Cincy Zoo (Already did this, but there’s just so much to see and hopefully this time we can see the baby white rhino), and go to King’s Island for a couple of days.  

I have to set these goals or I will NEVER get done….nope NEVER…..NEVER EVER EVER.  I call myself lazy….yes, me single mom of 2 kids with autism in her 3rd year of PhD in biochemistry lazy? oh yeah….you have NO idea…school is easy for me……..but doing what I’m suppose to? nope not easy…..I am the worse procrastinator…doesn’t help I have Asperger’s and ADD to go along with it…..

Sigh..anyhow….give me some tips on how to organize my time better…..post away about how you get your housework done so you can enjoy life, because I just haven’t figured that part out yet!

~LenaJeanne

Compassion

Over this last week I have really been humbled to think on this word of compassion.  Perhaps it is something that I need more of: more compassion for my children, for the poor, for the “unworthy”, for those that cannot do for themselves.  I have found that many people who I thought understood this word truly does not….and not only do they not understand, but they reject the very idea of it.  How can one word carry so much weight?  What exactly IS compassion?  Why is it so important in our daily lives?  Why is it something that we have to learn? Lets take a look into what compassion is and how it affects our lives.

Definition: Compassion is the virtue of empathy for the suffering of others

Most scholars believe compassion is the ultimate in human metamorphosis….a sort of transcendence from a lower being to a higher being.  To reach this point individuals have to FEEL the mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical pain of others.  One must put that person before themselves and understand how another can come to that point of suffering.

While I am not sure that I am the epitomy of compassion, I strive in my life to feel more for others than what society requires.  In the criteria for an autism diagnosis it is stated that individuals on the spectrum do not have the ability to have empathy ( a type of compassion) nor do many have sympathy (the ability to understand another’s pain), but I do not agree with this.  I believe as I am autistic and so are my children and many many individuals I know, that it is NOT that we DON’T feel pain, but that we do not SHOW our sympathy/empathy/compassion appropriately.

It is a horrible thing to assume that someone,  a group of individuals, do not have the capability to feel these emotions.  It is a travesty of sorts to put all of these untruths upon a group of people without truly looking as to the root of the problem.

The root of the problem so to speak is the fact that people with autism are logical.  this might not make since unless you take a look at the average man.  When a man is upset he yells, cusses, and may throw a fist, but then the two duke it out….and go grab a drink.  Men also do not show emotions or well let me say the typical man do not show emotions unless there is a need too, unless the emotions are overwhelming.  Men are logical creatures and know that at the end of the day crying over something doesn’t get the job done.  They will act then think.  THIS is how the average person with autism is.

We understand that when you release emotions that is all you have done; you have not corrected whatever is going on.  We also like to internalize, think, and process what is happening to the extreme that we introvert.  I’m not saying this is healthy by any means, I am saying this is the way of the auties!

However, even with all of that said we have the ability to love, cherish, and give compassion, but society itself has started losing and forgetting these dearly held notions.  How is it that a society that has as much technological advances still has not advanced spiritually.  Our country is suppose to be founded on the love of others and freedom, yet all I have seen this week is many individuals believing that the less fortunate should just “die off” because “only the strong survive”.  That it is a choice to be poor in America.  That because someone makes a meager earning that they do not deserve health insurance and instead should just “find a better job”.  When did all the neurotypicals lose their ability for compassion?  How did we let it get to this point? How did the autistics become the ones to express love and compassion to those in need?

I am truly bothered by what I have seen this week.  EVERYONE has the ability to lose everything they own in the matter of seconds, all it takes is for the breadwinner to become laid off.

While I may have not transcended and reached an enlightened state as of yet, I do hope that I keep certain truths in my heart.  These truths include understanding the suffering of those less fortunate, giving unselfishly to many, allowing myself the opportunity to bear some of the hardships other face, and the grace to heal.

Remember we all make of ourselves with what we have been given, so give to others so they may do better!

~Lenajeanne

A few words of wisdom from my son.  We were talking about my maiden name because Dorian asked me what it was before I married their dad.  Well, I’ve never married their dad so my maiden name has always stayed the same.  He was like Oh…ok.  Then he asked if I would ever get married and I was like maybe one day.  He says to me “That’s ok Mom…..Just Let Life Take The Way.”

How inspirational is that? lol My 9 year old with autism is more free thinking then half this universe.  I’m proud of my children and proud of what they have become and who they are turning into.  Wonderful, free thinking individuals.

~LenaJeanne

My Birthday Poem

I think of you as my mommy and sister and brother too,

And how now and then when it’s your birthday 

I will say I love you too,

And every night when you’re outside in the moon-light

you’re hair shines like a star in the sky

and when I’m in bed I say,

Good Night and I Love You Too

~SelenaNichelle

~SelenaNichelle